Chapter Text
The back of my head was aching and the edge of the table seemed to press harder against it with every passing second. I tried to move, but immediately regretted my decision, Dolion’s warning gaze penetrating me.
We were hiding. After he had dragged me down the stairs, I had been ready to leave the cottage, so his decision to pull me into the small surveillance room had come a a surprise. I understood that we were waiting for the sounds of the voices from above to die down. I understood that we had to keep quiet. I understood that patience was needed.
That was all I understood.
What I did not understand, no matter how much I tried, was why Spencer was doing what he was doing. I could not fathom why he would do that, why he chose Tobias. Why he would put himself into this much danger, his life at risk.
Why he did not love me anymore.
”Just a bit longer, little bird. You can do this.“
I swallowed, wrinkling my nose as a poignant smell assaulted my senses.
”Do you smell this?“
”Shh!“ A brief pause of confusion, then: ”What?“
”I don’t know, bitter?“
Dolion stiffened next to me.
”Like almond?“
”Yes, thats it. You smell it too?“
”CK.“
”What?“
”Cyanogen chloride.“
”What?”
”Cyanide gas. Fuck, Hannah they are killing themselves up there!”
***
We did not say it, but we both knew the truth: If Spencer died up there, neither of us wanted to stay alive, neither of us would be able to keep going. Which meant two things: Firstly, our safety was not a main concern anymore. Secondly, we had to act. Fast.
My knuckles turned white as I squeezed Dolion’s hand. I looked at him, half of his face covered by a makeshift mask to try and keep at least some of the gas out. His good eye was searching my face.
”I am sorry, Hannah.“ I bit the inside of my cheek. This was not a game anymore. No more nicknames. No more hope.
This felt like a goodbye.
“Me too.“
”In another life, we would have been good together. You and I, I mean“
”I know. In another life.“
A pause.
”Do you really love him?“
We locked eyes.
”Do you?“ I asked. Dolion understood.
”Let’s save him then.“
The smell of bitter almond was stronger in the bedroom, yet it was partially covered by the smell of puke.
I had not been prepared for this. In the bed, still partially undressed, was Tobias. Covered in his own sick and struggling to breathe. He was red all over, his skin almost glowing.
”You!“ He accused between fits of dry-heaving. ”You did this! You bitch, you are killing me!“
My confusion was brief, stopped by a sinking feeling in my heart when I turned towards a shuffling sound coming from the bathroom. Spencer. I shot an alarmed look at Dolion.
”Go. I’ll handle the bastard.” Determination filled his voice.
I willed myself to push open the bathroom door. I almost threw up myself, because now I understood. Spencer sat there, a contraption in his hand shaking his head.
”No…“ His voice was raspy, coming out slower than I had ever heard him speak. ”Hannah… you were not supposed to be here. You were supposed to be far away. You were supposed to be safe. Go, you must go, this is dangerous. You’ll die, you can’t-“ A coughing-fit took over his body.
”Why would you do this?! You are killing yourself!“ Tears were streaming down my face as I sank to my knees in front of him.
”I know. But I am also killing him!“
”We have to go, please, Spencer!“ I pulled on his arm, trying my best to get him to stand up, but he just leaned back, shaking his head, as sudden calmness taking over.
”No, my love, you have to go. Please understand, this has to be. It just has to. It’s the only way this will ever end. Even if we get rid of him, there will be another one. And one after that. Please, Hannah. This is it. This is my end. And it could not be better than this, if thats what it takes to give you what you deserve. To give you a life. Honor me by being happy. But don’t look back, Don’t live your life for me, okay? You have to live for yourself. Promise me that, will you, Hannah?”
I shook my head violently.
”No!“
Spencer closed his eyes in desperation.
”I am so sorry, sweetheart. For all of it, but especially for what I will do now. I am sorry. I love you.“
Before I could ask, Spencer called out to Dolion.
”Dolion! Zugzwang.“ I did not understand why was screaming chess-terms at his friend, until Dolion rushed in, shaking his head.
”Spence, please-“
”Zugzwang, Dolion. I mean it.“ Spencer’s words dripped with desperation, the coarseness of his voice doing nothing to conceal the pleading sounds.
Hands grabbed me, tried to lift me up as I sobbed and begged and fought.
”Hey. Hey, don’t cry. It’s just dying you know?“ Spencer tried his best. ”Nothing big. Just death. This is life. It’s natural.“
”Totally natural.“
